Random thinking…

learningI lay here thinking and feeling and reminding myself of past experiences. My heart is open and does forgive, first I forgive myself.  There is a lot to forgive, for I do make mistakes which reminds me that this is not a perfect state I am in.  I just need to remember that the only perfect absolute is the Light of the soul and spirit.  Without forgiveness there really would only be confusion and hostility towards oneself. I want to be so perfect, trying to seek answers to my problems.  But here is a question for the mind…what is a problem? And if there is a solution, is there really a problem?

 

So here we are, back to prison life, spending the days as productive as we can with what resources there are here.  Such a social experience in here, so many different backgrounds and experiences makes you aware of the diversity in others.Used correctly this awareness can help one become a better, more tolerant person.  And the world needs more of those right?!

 

School days

2189900Oh how sweet it is to be almost done with summer semester and let me add it has been a very interesting semester at that!  The conclusion is something I hope to be happy about (grades).  So as I get closer to fulfilling the requirements for my first two years of college, everything seems worth it.  I have to admit with all my heart that the experience with academia has helped to increase my awareness of myself a lot.

 

And I am so very grateful to the prison system in California for giving me this opportunity.  I think as a matter of fact, a letter from me to the CDCR thanking them for implementing this college program is coming soon!!

So that being said, what else is going on here in prison you ask? Not much! Everyday the same routine – wake up, brush teeth, drink coffee and go eat breakfast.  Then back to study time for the next 6 hours. Then take a good nap, get ready for dinner followed by a little nighttime TV.  Over and over and over. My mom said, “It’s not much different out here really when you think about it…”,  now that is funny when you think about it!! LOL

 

Serenity

Cross of lightIt’s really strange sometimes, but I feel that there is something greater than myself that is watching, guiding and protecting me while in prison.  I have met another person recently who has a really good soul and a very bright energy emanating out and in.  Since I have been here in Chino there have been 2 people I have crossed paths with so far in whom the mutual respect and maturity has offered great lines of conversation in all directions for us both.  Could is just be chance? Or some divine power greater than myself offering assistance and guidance?  You know sometimes questions are better not answered….All I do know is that I am very grateful to cross paths with these people.

 

I have noticed something about myself; I am not perfect by any means.  It’s so strange because my thoughts can be real high and then real low, sort of like a roller coaster.  It seems impossible to stay in a perfect state of balance.  One tool that helps me is good, positive self-talk. It is my self-talk that drives the darkness into the light.  Part of being human, I guess, having ups and downs.  But the liberation to be able to cope with life free from alcohol and drugs! Dealing with life on life’s terms, liberating!

 

Once again I am grateful to be able to write this blog, to put into words how perfect all of the experiences we share are. The great ones remind us of the little ones and the bad ones remind us of the good ones.

 

Good obsessions

laughingI have found a new obsession and it is called Algebra.  I will admit that some of it is fun and then some of it is just a bit frustrating!  But with anything in life, what you put in is what you get out.  So every day and night I have committed myself to this goal of learning.  I have to admit for a person that left home and school at a very early age trying to learn math is at times challenging.

 

Well, I am trying to lose some weight here because I found out that my BMI says I am 20 lbs overweight.  My program inside here has changed for the better too.  Summer season here in California is just wonderful and delightful :) The trees are a bright green and the inmates gardens are amazing.  Honestly you would be amazed at how much respect some of the prisoners have for the nurturing and care of these plants.  I do believe gardening does teach inmates the right thoughts, the right attitudes, and the right behaviors.  No doubt, it is rehabilitation that works.

Other than that I am just paying my debt to society and changing my old values for new ones.

Oh yea, go USA Women’s Team for winning the World Cup!! What a game!!

 

 

Random thoughts

open eyeThe main bright lights just went off and the blue ocean night lights are glowing.  It is 10:07 pm and I’m laying down in the wake of thought and feelings.  For some strange reason my thoughts overwhelmingly direct me to the unavoidable fact that one day I am not going to be experiencing this life.  No more wind blowing on my face or the inviting beauty of colors on the flowers that radiate.  The end result again is the self realization that this life is truly a gift to be shared and nourished and passed on to the next generation.  Every day I give thanks for everything…including my transgressions.  Actually it is because of my problems that I am able to grow.  I do understand that more now than ever.  In the past when I had difficulties I spent so much time on the negative feelings that sometimes it caused more negative energy within myself.  We cannot control all the consequences of our choices but we can control our heart felt intentions before we make a choice.  Hopefully the intentions are for goodness and Grace.

 

Well farewell for now from behind the fence and walls.  Sweet dreams to all.

 

Quote of the Day:  “Willingness is more than just saying, it is courageously doing.”

Ground Hog Day

squirrelNothing but ground hog day as I keep thinking the same thing over and over…dreaming of a nice 10 oz. juicy steak topped with mushrooms next to a beautiful baked potato covered with butter, sour cream and bacon, and broccoli dripping in a fine cheese sauce (mouth watering). Yummy!!  Oh, wait a second it was really my Top Ramen cup of soup I just ate with a slab of bologna topped with a squirt of mayo, LOL, LOL!! Wow reality has overridden the fantasy of my dinner.  That’s all good because I know it is out there waiting for me.

 

Another school semester over with 9 more units done.  I do enjoy this time to be a sponge absorbing new date and gaining knowledge in order to grow. Something I wanted to share, at the age of 42 I am learning to finally listen to others with empathy and to remember to appreciate the differences that we all have.  These differences are how we are able to grow and learn to solve problems that mutually benefit us all.

Anyways just another day here in prison :)

 

 

The days of our lives

cloudsAhhh… the days are just passing by and if you guessed that I am happy, you would be correct! However, that said, I cannot let go of the thought that there are so many things I am missing.  My girlfriend’s children getting married or the birth of a new baby boy. These moments are what give life such a wonderful meaning. I know, I tell myself, I know…be grateful for the things that I DO have in my life. Maybe prison is a place to reflect on what is important to a person and how choices being made now will have a bearing on the future.

 

Let’s see what else…Oh there is one of my classes and wow!  It is the “Neurobiology of Addiction” and it’s something special. I won’t go into details but when you open your mind to understanding how our brain works it helps you become more accepting of yourself. For so many years I have been very confused and very hard on myself as to why do I keep making the same wrong choices over and over?!?!  Answer – because our brain is hardwired for the purpose of reward from environmental and chemical stimulus.  In other words, I am responsible for making all these connections in my brain. So how do you change these connections? It is a process and sometimes a slow process. It does start however by looking in the mirror and asking yourself, “do I want to change for the good?”  Nobody else has that answer but you. The honest answer lies in your heart and soul.  Please believe me when I say this because I have been very confused for a very long time myself. If you really want to change into a productive good person, you will not stop seeking your own way to your own understanding.  We are not alone in the conundrum of life. All your questions have answers, you just need to ask and seek them.

 

Quote of the Day:  “Be easy on yourself and know that you are a very lucky being in the Universe.”

 

Random stuff…

learningI guess so much is going right at the moment that I am starting to worry about what and when things are going to go wrong?!?  This is why I journal, so I can purge my thoughts in order to even things out.  I have to remember that I am not in control of everything, just  my choices.

 

I remain strong even when there are others that want to bring me down.  As long as I am honest, do my best at whatever I do and do not take things so personally it’s all good.

Not much going on here in prison except that the place is getting fixed up with a new track to run on and a new wheel chair access making things easier for those.  On a funny note, this new dorm is like the dorm that time forgot…Everyone in here is above 60 and someone in here is 91 years old!!  Wow!  How do they freaking do it?  So that’s about it til next time….    :)

 

 

Moving house

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Saturday
Good news from inside the walls – after over two years living in the same dorm I have moved to another and I am grateful because so far it has been a really nice change.  My new dorm is much quieter so a person can read and actually think without too many distractions.  I have a great view of a street that is busy with cars going to and fro.  There is also a nice view of the hillside- oh yea! There are three big trees to sit under or hug, which by the way to you out there in freedomland, is a real treat because a lot of prisons do not have trees as part of their landscape. Also some incredible gardens that some of the inmates are taking care of too.

 

You cannot forget the love and caring from people beyond these walls which help remind you there is always hope for a better life. Having loving support is truly a motivating factor to help you get through any trials and tribulations here in prison. It helps you to never forget that the way to a well being is always going to have obstacles but the end result is pride in yourself knowing that you are doing the right thing.  Even when things do not go the way you expect.  These are things that a person should never forget in prison. As long as you are honest inside your heart you always a winner.  Sometimes that may mean you have to walk alone for awhile, but not forever. Remember you always walk with God, just take a look around you and you will see.

Sunday
It’s 7:05 am and I am sitting outside, my lungs filled with smoke from a fire burning out of control in some nearby forest.  I’m really waiting for the officers to tell everyone to go back inside until it is over. Even with the smoke it’s still great being outside :)

 

I am meeting some interesting new people who are pleasant to talk with. Again I say it is so interesting to be around such a diverse group of different social classes and personalities all trying to function together. Sometimes it is better to just sit on your bed and read or watch television.  Another piece of advice for a prisoner that has come to my attention is when you are having a talk with another inmate be very careful in discussing politics and religion.  Well heck, that goes for anyone, anywhere in life really doesn’t it!?!

Thanks for reading!!

Optimistic!

cloudsWonderful to be at the halfway mark this semester in college. It seems that when you arrive at the mid-term phase you feel a bit more relaxed. My anxious thoughts about how well I will do with the exams are at a minimal and that helps.

 

It is very strange to age in prison.  If you are a person that keeps good values about his or herself you will make it in here.  However if you keep those old negative values things can get very exponentially bad for you.  I have seen this happen over and over in prison.  In order to survive you have to remain optimistic at all times! You have to.

Spring is here and yes, all the birds, all the squirrels are in the midst of their mating rituals. I even saw two fly’s mating…I kid you not! :)  The trees are getting green and it is so very beautiful.

I thank the Creator for everything….