True love

laughingYou know what? I have just had a real moment and caught myself fast…I miss my girlfriend!! You people that have been blessed with a good partner and happy, healthy experiences should really keep those memories close in your heart. I do not think I have ever had a mutually respectable relationship ever…until now.

 

I guess you  know you are blessed with a good one when the lies are nil and the other is always there to help you up when you fall, and I mean physically, emotionally and spiritually. My past relationships were mostly based on my own selfish wants and desires with no interest in building on interdependence. They were all based on self-seeking behavior and motivated by physical attraction.

 

Why has it taken me so long to see things with a clear perspective? The only answer I can give myself is that in my heart I am tired and sorry and ready and willing to accept accountability for all those years of self hate, doing drugs, surviving by criminal activities. So after all the years of bad and ugly experiences you finally meet someone that is willing to offer their energy and love to you and boom! you actually want to do better, be better…you truly want to keep that person in your life.

 

So I thank my girlfriend for every bit of attention and love she gives to me.  And it really does make me warm inside to be able to give all the same back to her!

 Mom's Heart

Giving thanks

5210973Another early rise this morning to remind myself just how wonderful the quiet can be. Also the stillness helps because my energy is being re-directed to my inner thoughts without movement. So I say to myself, “what is this new day going to bring?”  I tell myself I must study sociology, marketing, counseling and addiction studies in order to get ready for these finals. I also need to organize my prayers with the most sincere heart felt meanings. And I am thinking about exercising if it’s not too cold today. So that is a typical day in my life at Chino State Prison.

 

I am also anticipating a December visit from mom and Brenda making it hard to control my joy sometimes!  It does feel good to know that I am not alone.  That there are still people who believe in me. I never use to think that was important, but after all the false friendships and trying to impress people who were themselves not in a good state of well being, I began to see the healthy side of my relationships…and the importance.

You know from my trials and tribulations comes this true, honest, real desire to see the beauty at last. So I accept my past in order to move forward ever knowing the Creator is with all of us. I would like to give a prayer of thanks for the giving of all our experiences and for the ability to commune with the Father and Son. Lord Father please be with all this Thanksgiving!!

 

My day dawns in prison…

laughingI woke up early this morning…around 3:45 a.m.  It is nice however because almost everyone is asleep in the dorm so one can think about things without much outer activity to influence you.  I get to watch the sun slowly rise over the horizon and touch the very top of the peaks on the mountains making a sweet caramel topping on them, beauty at it’s best!

 

I tell myself today will be simple.  I will not self-complicate my thoughts because I know it will influence my actions and make them complicated also.  When things are simple in your mind you instill a calmness in your heart that reminds you that love means everything, unconditionally. It’s the love that protects you when you have been wronged by someone so you can forgive them and move on.  It’s the love that protects you when you have done something wrong to another so you can ask for forgiveness.  You must be open minded and willing to give and take in order to balance the stillness in your heart and mind. I will grant you it is not easy to separate feelings from thoughts or thoughts from feelings but try you must.

 

I keep also in the front of my mind that others will believe you when tell them you love and respect them when they see the self-love and self-respect you have for yourself.

Quote of the Day:  “To forgive is to heal all involved.”

 

Learn from co-existing

4683609Something interesting on my mind lately and I of course want to share it with you and that’s about learning from different cultures …and there are lots of different cultures here in prison.  With all of my different experiences in life I have realized that our interdependence we have with each other is important because we share our ideas to co-exist in the world…or try too anyway.  I am grateful to meet people that on the surface are different but discover that under the surface we are all the same.  This is a wonderful thing and a gift that I appreciate in all our differences and similarities.

 

As I sit on my bunk and stare out the window filled with beautiful mountains and blue sky I know God is with me. To know and love God is to know and love yourself.

Quote of the Day: “People are great, even the ones you don’t get along with!”

 

Growing my garden… and my wisdom

learningI must admit it has been a while since I have shared my thoughts and feelings.  Sometimes I think it is my school work that distracts me from the blog…but it is all good. My garden I planted is growing.  I have 1 bell pepper plant, 8 jalapeno plants and cilantro too.  They have just started growing and I am the one that cares for them.  It is my patience and care that I give to these plants which helps and reminds me to have the same for myself.  Self-respect goes a very long way and others in here see that.  Some in here think that a grown man growing a garden is silly but I observe it is those same people that have so little self-respect, very true!

 

Always remember no matter where you are, in prison or not, what others say or think about you is their own opinion, not yours.  All in here is the same, people come and go. I however do not change because my real strength is within me and it shines so others can see.  I thank God the Creator for giving me the ability to do the right things.

 

This is my wisdom…growing all the time.

 

Doing “good” time

4540168It really freaking amazes me how much time you have on your hands in prison.  :-)  Seriously though I received a new college textbook yesterday that has 18 chapters and 500 pages on contemporary marketing strategies, plans and keyword concepts. In a matter of 24 hours I have already read 5 chapters consisting of over 150 pages and answered the quiz questions.  At this rate I could have a Doctorates degree by next summer!  LOL!

 

If you keep having self-defeating talks to yourself out there then your goals and aspirations will be unmotivated.  You have to stay on course and be willing to do the work at all cost of time, friends and events.  Self-discipline is really just a matter of doing what you truly want to do.  We just have to realize this…

Quote of the Day:  ” Make your time work for you, not against you.”

 

Changes for the better!

4683609Funny and very good things are happening here in prison.  They (the goon squad) have finally picked up 9 inmates on this little yard that were the main pushers of drugs, 3 of which were in my dorm house.  I hope and think they are finally gone for good.  About a week or two ago everybody in the dorm thought that it was weird that our mail had stopped completely for five days but all the other dorms were getting their mail.  It does not take much of an imagination to speculate that our mail was being gone over with a fine tooth comb! I mean this place must be the home for the dumbest criminals…me included :-) LOL!!After twenty-five or so years it has finally hit me that a professional career in crime is just not my forte.  If you are not very good at something why do you still persist?

 

Anyways, everything else is great here and for now on a better course for some of these inmates.  For me…I remain steadfast to be a beacon of Light so others can observe and maybe then desire to do what I have done for myself.  I am very grateful to God, to my mom and my girlfriend and everyone else, even the ones who remind me of my old behavior which I do not want anymore for myself.

God Bless!

 

To everything there is a season…

5210973Hello out there in the world of freedom! Well, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you guys have consequences from your choices too. So define free-dom for me please…LOL!!  Things are good behind the bars here in Chino.  Like the seasons change, so do the inmates. Some for better and some for worse – which is a good sign we can learn to balance between the two.  The universe shows us we have to have both.  This place is really a huge psychological and sociological experiment in a closed park environment.  We have gorillas and deer and ducks and giraffes and lions and even fish out of water!

 

There is another thing I wanted to share with you. I am in the hospital area of the prison because of my HIV (which is very stable) but there are others here that have cancer and other ailments far worse than mine.  We had the pleasure to have an inmate by the name of Joey who passed away because God needed his soul close to Him. I would like to say a prayer for Joey:

“Father in joy and fear we give our praise in Your name. For You are the primary mover of all which brings us back home safely. Father we ask that you accept brother Joey in your arms with love and compassion so his soul rests with Yours in eternity.  To forgive, never forget to remain in the Light of infinity.  Amen.”

Quote of the Day:  “Something good will always prevail no matter how bad we think things are.”

 

 

Visits!!

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So I got a visit from my mom and Brenda this weekend and I felt so relaxed and natural which for me is scarey…but in a good way!  There was one thing however that I pondered over on my heart.  I had noticed to our left was a family sitting together and they all had their heads together in a moment of prayer.  I wanted to follow suit but honestly I was too nervous to say anything.  So I have since come up with my version of a prayer that I would like to share now with my family and also with the world:

 

“Thank you Father for this moment to give You the praise you deserve.  We continue to pray for the wisdom of Your Truth and Light, always.  We ask to remain vigilant when things we cannot understand happen and to remember that Your will is more powerful than our own.  The bond of all our souls belong to You, please guide and mold us to Your will.  We all thank you for everything. Amen.”

Well, that is what I would have said. LOL! All in all I am so very thankful and blessed to have friends and family.  It is true that as I keep the faith and desire to live a healthy life it does get easier and better.  But never 100% great as you need the bad times as well or else you will not keep growing.

Quote of the Day: ” Remember it is never too late to change for the better.”