Random thoughts…

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I’m sitting on my bunk looking out the window and watching the cars as they pass by. I am wondering what the people in the cars are thinking as they drive by a prison. Each one probably has his or her own opinion that is positive or negative…I only hope that the positive ones out weigh the negative.

 

The sun is bright as the rays bounce off the leaves of a spring green tree as it waves in the wind. Just another reminder of the gratefulness of life. My feelings right now are at peace as the time gets nearer to a possible answer of my getting released early, as early as next year. I do not dwell on that possibility to avoid allowing myself to get hurt.  Lessons are to be learned I remind myself.

 

I think a person should learn in their own way to have compassion for themselves when going through experiences that seem to be negative or wrong.  There is not just one way to do it but the mission is finding the way that works for yourself, at that point in time.

Compassion for yourself is a big one for some of us … but so worth it to have when needed.

 

I am grateful today, and try to be always.

 

 

 

HELLO! HELLO!

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Is anyone still out there?!?! 

I am here, really, I have not gone away or given up or anything.  The issue here was that I have been working very hard in the kitchen, which by the way I have enjoyed a lot, But then I found myself getting sick  with flu-like symptoms…twice (ugh). I have no proof that the cause was from the work environment  but by observation of the area and the fact others were getting sick as well I am left with the assumption maybe it is the area I have been working in. But I am at long last on the mend and here we go again…:)

 

Anyway – HELLO WORLD- I have missed sharing my feelings and thoughts with you from behind these same old walls. Between school and work and getting sick I have found little time for writing the blog. Well, that’s my story anyway and I am sticking to it! LOL!

One of the many reasons why I love and enjoy my girlfriend is the fact that she sends me many books that have made a heartfelt impression on her.  One of these was, “The Afterlife of Billy Fingers”, by Annie Kagen.  Easy reading and very soul lifting material.  I also just read a book about a Chinese mother and daughter, I think it is called Scattered Pearls, anyway as the daughter was about to leave for America her mother told her that whatever troubles life brings her she should think of them as sand in an oyster, making the sand into a beautiful pearl. “Take the hard things and make them into pearls.”  Isn’t that a wonderful thought…

Quote of the Day:  “Thinking with a human mind causes the belief in good and bad; thinking with a divine mind causes the belief of bliss, always”

 

A Season of Joy, even on the inside

 

 

 

 

 

 

So here we are at the close of another year with all the joy of the holidays to remind us of the bond of family and the love that helps us all in so many ways.  For me the holidays out on the streets were very difficult because on the streets it’s just all about survival, that is it.  Friendships were based on nothing but give and take principals.  It has taken me a while to learn that my definition now of friendship is a bond not only of a give and take but of a trust earned along with unconditional respect and empathy for each others experiences.

 

This year I am grateful for the love I have from family and I am grateful that my choices now promote goodness and well-being for not only myself but others in my life.  Soon I hope that all is well when I go in front of the Parole Board for an early release.  I tell myself not to put too much on my expectations, all will happen in God’s time and with God’s will.  So be it!!

 

I would like to send my respect and love to everyone and wishes for a Happy, Safe and very Merry Holiday season!!!

 

Quote for the Day:  “The calm we need to help regulate ourselves need not be sought but we only need to be aware of in our selves.”

 

 

What is consciousness?

learningHey again everyone,  this is prisoner “B” spreading great news and thoughts while secluded from the mainstream of society.  A condition of my own doing I might add …:)

 

I am in the throes of a new great question so profound that every desire to find the answer becomes all consuming.  The question that has my attention is, “What is and where does consciousness come from?”  Could is just be some quantum effect from a huge neuronal net in our brains or is it something that has a tangible reality?”  This one question can really take you on a trip all your life.  Because of the mysteriousness of it I feel I will never give up until I fully understand!

 

There are so many people with varied answers, varied experiences.  And there are those that seem spiritually enlightened with their own view points about the nature of this profound question.  As my own questioning has just been awakened my path is young yet, there is lots to know and so I travel on down that road until I know what I need to know.

 

I’ll keep you posted!

 

Higher Power

open eyeAgain here within the walls things are wonderful yet fixed. LOL! I have been reading a very interesting book, ” What the Bleep Do We Know?” and what a mind bender it is.  It has sent my ideas of reality in so many different directions and different paradigms of thinking my head is spinning.  I feel really alive! Once again I owe much gratitude to my special girlfriend for sending to me such a great new experience.  Gosh, I love books!   Oh and baby I love you too!
Mom's Heart

 

 

So I have a new bunk-mate and of course he is an elderly man (very).  After some conversation it appears he is knowledgeable in the academics field.  Pretty interesting  to me that he taught statistics in college and the fact that next semester I am taking intro to statistics. Now what are the odds of that?! Is there a Higher Power watching me?  All I can do is give thanks to either the coincidence of this relationship and/or to my Higher Power for watching over me so vigilantly.

 

So the other good stuff here in prison is that everyday is a step closer to enlightenment.  One day I am going to realize that all these days of searching for answers have really been waiting compassionately inside my heart all along, just waiting for me to finally realize. I am on my way to that day…

 

 

Thankful

Mom's HeartHere we are again and I do have to admit that I would not change a thing.  I really need to thank both my mother and my girlfriend for all the attention they give me which helps the motivating force that keeps me going…in the right direction!  We really all should work at the concept of paying it forward because it does undoubtedly work.

 

First my gratitude to my beautiful, strong girlfriend for all the literature of self help she sends me.  Being able to learn new information about body, mind and spirit has been so enlightening to me.  To utilize this time to not only help myself but realize I can help others, well, simply put, “rocks!”

Secondly my gratitude to my wonderful mother for not letting go of our physical, mental and spiritual connection.  It is hard to put into words how much I appreciate the love and respect and attention.  Being wanted, desired, and needed is a basic requirement for a human which helps one to keep strong through all the tough and troubling days while incarcerated.  I do feel I owe them a great deal  They have helped to save my life.

I am having a powerful gratitude moment.  We have to recognize these because they really are so important to change.

The change of the seasons is near and we all on the inside appreciate the cooler weather.  We all still remain in this moment together, coping and maintaining.  I am thankful to be here and accept that my Higher Power has me where it is enlightening.

 

It’s raining!!

2189900So here we are! Another day in California State Prison. It’s raining outside and the temperature has cooled off and we all are loving it.  This is after of course a period of 106 degree heat and a humidity factor that was unbearable. Honestly, when it is like that I am just like, “don’t talk to me – just leave me alone, let me lay here very still with a wet towel on my chest and the fan blowing on me!

 

Other than the weather report (LOL) I am personally doing wonderful things with my rehabilitation here.  God is so very strong and comforting.  There is just no way I could do this alone.  I still go through many things here in prison that can give me an excuse to believe I have problems.  But most of the time it’s just all in my head, old habits as it were creeping around my brain.  Truly the real enemy is right between the eyes, LOL,  it is true thought!!!

 

Staying vigilant to what’s in my head helps me to help myself and others.

The difficult times, really difficult

Cross of lightFor
Stevan Chambers
3/16/1989 to
8/17/2015
What do we do when we feel the pressures that life can deal us? How are we suppose to respond to experiences that give us a reason to feel anger, hate, sadness and shame?  Some of us start to look for an escape goat to blame.  But it is our own true feelings we are avoiding because we do not want to acknowledge our own intense feelings.

 

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulations; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”  JOHN  16:33

When a life is lost that is close to you, you will go through many trials inside.  You need to know that these experiences are not tests but acknowledgements that our faith in God is real and infinite. Death is not an expression of one lost but is an expression that our loved one is now closer to the Creator.  And with prayer in union you are even closer than before.  I write this because I know it to be true.With our very prayers and Faith we stay in contact.

 

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God.” PHILIPPIANS  4:6

We honor those that have departed with our daily thoughts and choices.

 

“No one, when he has lit a lamp, covers it with a vessel or puts it under a bed, but sets it on a lamp stand, that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.:  LUKE 8:16-17

 

 

Random thinking…

learningI lay here thinking and feeling and reminding myself of past experiences. My heart is open and does forgive, first I forgive myself.  There is a lot to forgive, for I do make mistakes which reminds me that this is not a perfect state I am in.  I just need to remember that the only perfect absolute is the Light of the soul and spirit.  Without forgiveness there really would only be confusion and hostility towards oneself. I want to be so perfect, trying to seek answers to my problems.  But here is a question for the mind…what is a problem? And if there is a solution, is there really a problem?

 

So here we are, back to prison life, spending the days as productive as we can with what resources there are here.  Such a social experience in here, so many different backgrounds and experiences makes you aware of the diversity in others.Used correctly this awareness can help one become a better, more tolerant person.  And the world needs more of those right?!

 

School days

2189900Oh how sweet it is to be almost done with summer semester and let me add it has been a very interesting semester at that!  The conclusion is something I hope to be happy about (grades).  So as I get closer to fulfilling the requirements for my first two years of college, everything seems worth it.  I have to admit with all my heart that the experience with academia has helped to increase my awareness of myself a lot.

 

And I am so very grateful to the prison system in California for giving me this opportunity.  I think as a matter of fact, a letter from me to the CDCR thanking them for implementing this college program is coming soon!!

So that being said, what else is going on here in prison you ask? Not much! Everyday the same routine – wake up, brush teeth, drink coffee and go eat breakfast.  Then back to study time for the next 6 hours. Then take a good nap, get ready for dinner followed by a little nighttime TV.  Over and over and over. My mom said, “It’s not much different out here really when you think about it…”,  now that is funny when you think about it!! LOL