Random thoughts

4683609Another day has passed by like a flower tumbling in the breeze. Oh what a joy to be able to express my thoughts and emotions to anyone willing to read them. I give thanks for this blog and all those taking the time to read it!  :)

I am very grateful for college and the time I have to devote to learning. I realize that all this work is not just for myself but more importantly for those people (who are struggling with addiction)  in the future that I may hopefully help with my guidance. This is my hope and belief for my future goals in becoming an addiction guidance specialist. This time in prison is not for nothing, I will make sure of that!

Tonight however was a great night for dinner at the chow hall.  We had BBQ chicken with pinto beans and salad! It is the little things is it not!?!

 

What I know…

cloudsThis early morning as I watched the sunrise and sipped my coffee I saw inside my heart and realized how good it feels to give and to be kind. Something I have learned in prison is if you do not set a self protective boundary around you most people, not all, will use you for whatever means is necessary. For me there is also a good, effective and respectful way to do this and also a negative, discouraging way.  Of course if you want the respect of others then you have to be willing to give it as well no matter what the circumstances.

 

Another thing I have realized is the definition of a friend. There are so many but to me a friend is an unconditional, empathetic ally when things get rough, as well as a trustworthy person. In prison there are no friends…only acquaintances. It is important to understand the difference. Some advice to give someone new to prison is be aware of your surroundings: Look, Listen and Learn. The 3 “L’s”.  If you see someone is stealing from another inmate or lying to someone else chances are great that they will steal or lie to you!

 

“For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth comes knowledge and understanding.”
Proverbs  2:6

 

Gratitude…

laughingI am sitting outside on this beautiful day @ 7:45 a.m. just thinking how lucky I am to have all the things I do and being grateful for the things I do not have also! I have learned to express my thoughts and feelings in an effective way to promote a sense of balance which helps me adapt to all the different personalities in prison.  I will admit that sometimes it is not easy. But it feels wonderful to experience this growth, especially here in prison. I remain strong and faithful in my commitment for self change and will continue looking for ways to reach my goal.  Self determination is the key that unlocks those old closed doors to my heart and soul.  My relationships are the reflection of my inner true self. I needed all this time to finally realize things for myself.

 

When you find people in prison who share your values and goals you begin to share your thoughts and emotions with each other without bias or judgement.  You relate to a group of people and depend on each other…interdependence can be good in this way.

 

Higher learning!

learningGreetings again from behind the walls in prison. I do have to admit that adding the classes on becoming a Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor is enlightening for me. With these new classes so many of my own personal questions are being answered, the “whys” of my own years of struggling, barely surviving and massive drug use are becoming clearer to me.  I encourage anyone who is tired of of the self seeking desires that have negative consequences to take a chance and find yourself with education.  Willingness and courage to do things that are healthy and beneficial to not only you but society as well will go a long way, people will notice.  To make a stand and be proud of the things you do for the good is so freaking cool!!  To under any circumstances keep close to your heart, to understand your weaknesses and strengths and to be patient, these are practices to have.  I see these principles and I practice them here in prison because they truly protect me and others from a lot.  Granted not everything is wonderful but as long as you keep true to yourself and others with warmth, genuineness and empathy your attitudes will influence others.

Part of being an adult is knowing you are not perfect and will make mistakes from time to time.  Not making the same choices that hurt yourself or others is the goal.

It’s OK to love yourself!

 

Competition!!

4683609Competition!  We have to compete for everything, the last word, who’s right or wrong, even what color the sky is in your world. LOL!  When you get a lot of males together they go around like rams butting heads about everything.  I have been around males all my life and this fact has just exhausted me completely.  That’s one thing I love about females, they are more involved with their feelings and how to cope and manage them without having to self-medicate.  At the end of the day I just get along better with girls…yippy, yippy!

 

So anyways guys, prison is the same, caught and caged like a wild animal.  I am trying very hard to ignore some people who have no good direction or desire for a better life and stick to those that are seekers of positive change. The food here has been getting better and that is a plus :) The program here is also becoming more structured for such a small place. But the real question is where do they find some of these people?!  For real, I think I need to get back into focusing on the cycles of nature and stop thinking so much about people in here.  If you focus to much energy on negative things it seems that the negative becomes a magnet that tries very hard to pull you in its path.

 

I remind myself of my true desire to do good despite other influences that could hinder my growth.  Just a reminder to everyone that being grateful for people who stay with you during your trials and tribulations are the ones that do love you.  You have to be willing to allow that love inside you to help break any energy that wants to bring you down.  Having a mother, father, brother, sister or girlfriend are reminders that we will never be alone in the darkness.

 

 

For Mom…

Mom's AvatarThe weather has changed and is so nice and so soothing. I feel like I can think clearly and be calm.  I have again taken up soccer, running and weight lifting as all these simple things I can do for myself are healthy and a good investment for my future.  So far the new year is good here in prison with no problems at all!

 

Well everyone I would like to take this moment and send blessings to my mother on her birthday.   Even though we have spent very few together I have remembered every one of them in my heart and prayers.  May all her dreams and wishes come to be and I also give thanks to God for the bond between she and her husband.

I believe the great thing about pain, hurt and fear is the ability to experience their opposite – wellness, joy and courage.  No one ever said being human is an easy feat but this life is a gift and I give thanks to my mother for it.  Happy Birthday Mom!

And for me, being able to let my family know of my heart’s thank you is a gift I give myself these days.  I pray for the other mothers, fathers, sons and daughters out there every where who are experiencing their own issues.

Quote of the Day:  “For length of days and long life and peace they will add to you.”            Proverbs  3:2

Mail delays…sorry, I am still here!!

4540168Hello world! This day is a wonderful day because I get to choose to live another healthy day with others.  For some strange reason my mail here has been so slow and actually not even arriving to my mom, so I apologize to those that follow this blog but hopefully the mail issue is over!

So being in between semesters at college during the holidays is a cool break.  Still just observing others (and myself!), working out and praying every day. I had a wonderful visit with my mother and sweetheart, Brenda, just before Christmas and getting another visit soon in February, yea! I love the support so much and it ever reminds me to keep the desire to do good for myself and others.

This place is the same except the program is getting better…well, all except the mail part :) LOL!  I do hope that every single parent with a son or daughter that is incarcerated embrace their bond and show each other that love does exists in and out of prison. One thing is for sure, being human ensures that nothing stays the same but changes all the time.  Our bodies replace dying cells with new ones constantly, people leave and new ones come, and thoughts, feelings and attitudes change too. How do we ever cope I wonder??

 

Quote of the Day: “God and family and good friends help us all to cope!”

 

Random thoughts…

learningI do not mean to be rude but at times it seems I have to let people know that I cannot always play. There is a time to be playful and there is a time to be alone and serious. I do believe however the most important thing is how you relate your thoughts to others. It’s really all about respect. That said, there are times I do give in and let other people have my attention. I guess they call that being a “people pleaser.” LOL!

 

So I was just informed through my college transcripts that I am almost done with my AA Degree. When I think about where I was when I started this journey and where I am now, I am pleased to say the least! I do realize how important an education is. I dis not understand this at all when I was studying for my GED 14 years ago but since then my mind has opened to so, so much.  Wow!!

Quote of the Day:  “When I see the beauty in my own heart, I can see the beauty in others too.”

 

True love

laughingYou know what? I have just had a real moment and caught myself fast…I miss my girlfriend!! You people that have been blessed with a good partner and happy, healthy experiences should really keep those memories close in your heart. I do not think I have ever had a mutually respectable relationship ever…until now.

 

I guess you  know you are blessed with a good one when the lies are nil and the other is always there to help you up when you fall, and I mean physically, emotionally and spiritually. My past relationships were mostly based on my own selfish wants and desires with no interest in building on interdependence. They were all based on self-seeking behavior and motivated by physical attraction.

 

Why has it taken me so long to see things with a clear perspective? The only answer I can give myself is that in my heart I am tired and sorry and ready and willing to accept accountability for all those years of self hate, doing drugs, surviving by criminal activities. So after all the years of bad and ugly experiences you finally meet someone that is willing to offer their energy and love to you and boom! you actually want to do better, be better…you truly want to keep that person in your life.

 

So I thank my girlfriend for every bit of attention and love she gives to me.  And it really does make me warm inside to be able to give all the same back to her!

 Mom's Heart

Giving thanks

5210973Another early rise this morning to remind myself just how wonderful the quiet can be. Also the stillness helps because my energy is being re-directed to my inner thoughts without movement. So I say to myself, “what is this new day going to bring?”  I tell myself I must study sociology, marketing, counseling and addiction studies in order to get ready for these finals. I also need to organize my prayers with the most sincere heart felt meanings. And I am thinking about exercising if it’s not too cold today. So that is a typical day in my life at Chino State Prison.

 

I am also anticipating a December visit from mom and Brenda making it hard to control my joy sometimes!  It does feel good to know that I am not alone.  That there are still people who believe in me. I never use to think that was important, but after all the false friendships and trying to impress people who were themselves not in a good state of well being, I began to see the healthy side of my relationships…and the importance.

You know from my trials and tribulations comes this true, honest, real desire to see the beauty at last. So I accept my past in order to move forward ever knowing the Creator is with all of us. I would like to give a prayer of thanks for the giving of all our experiences and for the ability to commune with the Father and Son. Lord Father please be with all this Thanksgiving!!